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 Joke Thread, it's April 1 
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Wanee Mushroom

Joined: Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:55 pm
Posts: 91
Post Re: Joke Thread, it's April 1
The Lightman wrote:
Image

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

:D :D


Thu Apr 11, 2013 12:08 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:52 pm
Posts: 6061
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Joke Thread, it's April 1
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:08 am Profile
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Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:41 am
Posts: 379
Location: DeLand FL
Post Re: Joke Thread, it's April 1
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!

Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."

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Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:16 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Joke Thread, it's April 1
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:30 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:52 pm
Posts: 6061
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Joke Thread, it's April 1
For you young'uns not familiar with the dearly departed Jonathan Winters, and for those of us of a certain age who have have just plain done fergot!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwWDa1xPTPA

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Sat Apr 13, 2013 2:34 pm Profile
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Post Re: Joke Thread, it's April 1
tieyourshoes51 wrote:
For you young'uns not familiar with the dearly departed Jonathan Winters, and for those of us of a certain age who have have just plain done fergot!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwWDa1xPTPA

No doubt one of the greatest comedians. RIP
And great actor playing it straight too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrd-0673SOI

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Be kind whenever possible. It's always possible.


Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:34 am Profile
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Posts: 6061
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Joke Thread, it's April 1
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my single malt.

The bastards.

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Tue Apr 23, 2013 11:17 pm Profile
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