They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for
church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals...
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Oh, keep 'em clean will ya? Well, just not too nasty!

Those are Great!!! Should send them to Leno ...before he leaves The Tonight Show"!!!

A priest checks into a hotel and realizes there are adult movies available on his tv. Uncomfortable, he goes to the front desk and asks for the porn to be disabled.

The desk clerk replies, "You twisted SOB"...

That was funny

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the
other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I
give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and
I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For
this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you
possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave
back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back ; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

We could use some comic relief around here...

I love it!!!! Thanks for making me laugh!!!

What a great thread!!!!!!!!!Made my morning!!!!!!!!

ok should do this tomorrow but......

at the office a young blonde and a man get into the elevator. they are going to the top floor and they both experience that uncomfortable silence. so she turns to him and says
"T.G.I.F., right"

a little stunned and bewildered he replies
"s.h.i.t."

a very confused, but polite, she turns to him again, for him to hear better and repeats herself a little louder
"TGIF"

the man returns the volume and again says
"S.H.I.T."

Now the woman is upset and angry and face the man and blurts out,
TGIF, thank god its friday, dont you get it?"

As the door opens and the man stepps out with a grin
S.H.I.T. - sorry honey, its thursday!!