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 Jokes 
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Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3923
Post Jokes
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say...

"We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said...

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plow can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says...

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park........................."

Then the power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said...

"I don't know What to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the dang car in the garage this time."

I'll probably get in trouble for this one... :twisted:

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:53 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3923
Post Re: Jokes
Here's one for TYS...

TEACHER ARRESTED

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of 'math instruction'.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters he could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:57 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3923
Post Re: Jokes
One for CDN FAN... Canadian distress signal ;)


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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:00 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3923
Post Re: Jokes
This might be one for the "remember when thread"...

Older Than Dirt Quiz : Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels if you were fortunate)
7. Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers
16. Out house

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered11-16 =You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:16 pm Profile
Wanee Veteran

Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:04 am
Posts: 967
Location: Philly
Post Re: Jokes
A doe stumbles out of the woods to another doe eating grass and says

"I'll never do that for two bucks again"!!!!!!

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 9:36 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10683
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:28 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3923
Post Re: Jokes
Seniors In Florida

A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments:

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! I can't hear you!" said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.

"THANK HEAVENS WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:32 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
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Posts: 10683
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"

He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:39 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3923
Post Re: Jokes
Thought maybe most of you would think this was a joke!


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Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:00 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10683
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
:shock: :lol:

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:12 pm Profile
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