Last visit was: Fri Jul 25, 2014 9:04 pm It is currently Fri Jul 25, 2014 9:04 pm




 [ 106 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 11  Next
 Jokes 
Author Message
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3848
Post Re: Jokes
Jensen B Gator wrote:
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years. Clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

_________________
Havin' a good time, here today
Watching the sun shine, matinee..


Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:09 pm Profile
Wanee Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6107
Post Re: Jokes
Top ten reasons men prefer guns to women

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun


Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:11 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
User avatar

Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10669
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
NOW that is funny!!! BaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaaa!!!!

_________________
Image ................................................................................... Image
THE "VIPER DANCE" ............... Driving to wanee
Image
THE "MRS. VIPER DANCE"


Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:12 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3848
Post Re: Jokes
I'm NOT laughing Sue!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

_________________
Havin' a good time, here today
Watching the sun shine, matinee..


Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:14 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
User avatar

Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10669
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
EnjoyingTheRide wrote:
I'm NOT laughing Sue!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Oh yes he is..... :lol:

_________________
Image ................................................................................... Image
THE "VIPER DANCE" ............... Driving to wanee
Image
THE "MRS. VIPER DANCE"


Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:19 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
User avatar

Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10669
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."

_________________
Image ................................................................................... Image
THE "VIPER DANCE" ............... Driving to wanee
Image
THE "MRS. VIPER DANCE"


Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:21 pm Profile
Wanee Pro

Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:23 pm
Posts: 375
Post Re: Jokes
Jensen B Gator wrote:
Top ten reasons men prefer guns to women

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun


I don't even like guns but that is funny. I wonder if that is why I am no longer married. :?


Sun Feb 10, 2013 5:16 pm Profile
Wanee Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6107
Post Re: Jokes
Wonderful Church Ladies With Typewriters.


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS & TYPOS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!


Sun Feb 10, 2013 7:32 pm Profile
Wanee Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6107
Post Re: Jokes
Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


Sun Feb 10, 2013 7:43 pm Profile
Wanee Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6107
Post Re: Jokes
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, " I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "


Sun Feb 10, 2013 7:49 pm Profile
 [ 106 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 11  Next


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baiduspider, Bing [Bot], CCBot, Google [Bot], sneake and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Intentional bypassing of the word filter will lead to user banning. The forum is used by all ages and walks of life and your respect for that is appreciated.
Powered by phpBB © phpBB Group.
Designed by Vjacheslav Trushkin for Free Forums/DivisionCore.