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 Jokes 
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Wanee Demi-God
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10683
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
Holy crap!!! Those are funny!!! :lol:

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Sun Feb 10, 2013 9:23 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3957
Post Re: Jokes
NCviper wrote:
Holy crap!!! Those are funny!!! :lol:


Good stuff!

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Sun Feb 10, 2013 9:31 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6375
Post Re: Jokes
Subject: Forgot my glasses
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.


Mon Feb 11, 2013 9:12 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6375
Post Re: Jokes
Maybe Retiring to Alaska? Not Me!

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week, and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night . Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.


'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.

'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.


Mon Feb 11, 2013 9:19 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2009 7:08 am
Posts: 6224
Location: Florida
Post Re: Jokes
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Sounds like my kinda party!!!

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Mon Feb 11, 2013 11:43 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6375
Post Re: Jokes
One day there was 2 boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long, so he went over and looked. The 2 boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the 2nd boy took off running.

The 1st boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he tool off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The 2nd boy said to his friend, "my mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.


Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:17 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6375
Post Re: Jokes
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look too short."

Love,
Grandma


Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:21 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6375
Post Re: Jokes
I NEVER KNEW THIS!!! THE WARNING INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!! WARNING TO US ALL!!!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower


Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:21 pm Profile
Wanee Fan

Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2010 3:54 pm
Posts: 107
Location: St Petersburg, FL
Post Re: Jokes
As always, brazenly lifted from another web site: Enjoy!
------------------------------------------------------

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your driver's license, please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?!

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: 4 times! All right... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?!

Woman: Yes, and I killed and cut up the owner.

Officer: You what!?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see...

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his patrol car, and calls for back up. Within minutes five more police cars arrive with their lights on. A senior officer now approaches the woman's car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please?

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer 2: One of my men told me you've stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes. Could you open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens it, revealing only the empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: I also heard you do not have a driving license, ma'am.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. He snaps open the purse and examines her driver's license. He looks quite puzzled...

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner and his body was in the trunk...

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!


Mon Feb 11, 2013 4:28 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10683
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: good one!!

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THE "VIPER DANCE" ............... Driving to wanee
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THE "MRS. VIPER DANCE"


Mon Feb 11, 2013 5:22 pm Profile
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