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 Jokes 
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Wanee Lover

Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2012 8:04 pm
Posts: 2098
Location: Palm Bay, FL
Post Re: Jokes
Tick warning ...
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's very important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather... and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do NOT do this! They only want to see you naked.

(I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.)
:oops: :oops: :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: ;)

_________________
Judie

Following the shadows of the skies or are they only figments of my eyes?
And I'm feeling close to where the race is run
Waiting in our boats to set sail, sea of joy


Mon Feb 11, 2013 8:09 pm Profile
Wanee Master

Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:07 pm
Posts: 6203
Location: Marianna, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Damn....I wish they had come to my house...... :lol: :lol: :lol:


Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:16 am Profile
Wanee Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:52 pm
Posts: 6272
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
EnjoyingTheRide wrote:
Here's one for TYS...

TEACHER ARRESTED

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of 'math instruction'.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters he could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.



GUILTY AS CHARGED!

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:48 pm Profile
Wanee Lover

Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2012 8:04 pm
Posts: 2098
Location: Palm Bay, FL
Post Re: Jokes
You wanna hear a joke? Valentine’s Day

_________________
Judie

Following the shadows of the skies or are they only figments of my eyes?
And I'm feeling close to where the race is run
Waiting in our boats to set sail, sea of joy


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:25 am Profile
Wanee Veteran

Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:43 pm
Posts: 629
Location: Tampa, FL
Post Re: Jokes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
A bottle of Vodka
is cheaper than
Dinner for Two

Happy Valentines day

_________________
Will work for festival tickets & beer money ...


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:28 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6682
Post Re: Jokes
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:47 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6682
Post Re: Jokes
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:49 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6682
Post Re: Jokes
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc... Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Kathy LaSauce and crew take you safely to your destination."

Jarhead, sitting in coach, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right, is the captain a woman? I think I better have a drink."

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Jarhead, "I'd better have two of those little whiskey bottles to settle my nerves. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"Oh," said the attendant. "we no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:51 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6682
Post Re: Jokes
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:51 am Profile
Wanee Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 pm
Posts: 6682
Post Re: Jokes
Going Golfing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years.

This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.

Two days later, the 3 other guys arrive at the resort to begin their yearly
golf getaway. And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there

with his clubs already set up on his cart.

"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of
Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and
ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did."

Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
__________________


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:57 am Profile
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