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 Jokes 
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Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.





She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.



As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,



'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!


Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:58 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
Supersex - A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."


Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:06 am Profile
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Post Re: Jokes
Driving - Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"


Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:08 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
Bear Removal Service.........



A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull. "What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."


Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:12 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news... Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter ?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"


Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:14 am Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
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Post Re: Jokes
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

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Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:00 pm Profile
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Post Re: Jokes
With all the sadness and trauma going on in world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

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"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:05 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
As we men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.

And, in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.












She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:06 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 4107
Post Re: Jokes
tieyourshoes51 wrote:
As we men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.

And, in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.












She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."



:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:21 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
Little Johnny, at it again

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing
that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:41 pm Profile
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