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 Jokes 
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Wanee Lover
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Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:04 pm
Posts: 2281
Post Re: Jokes
Recently, due to the news about UARS – the falling satellite, a first grade teacher decided to read the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, ” …and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ” The sky is falling! The sky is Falling!”

The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “I think he said, ” Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!”

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“I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”


Fri Mar 08, 2013 4:28 pm Profile
Wanee Lover
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Post Re: Jokes
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

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“I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”


Fri Mar 08, 2013 4:32 pm Profile
Wanee Lover
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Post Re: Jokes
My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

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“I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”


Fri Mar 08, 2013 4:35 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
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Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Fri Mar 08, 2013 5:29 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
grandmacracker wrote:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."


I NEVER get tired of this one!

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:25 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside
the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we
can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike
passed him.

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:27 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Posts: 6370
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death!

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:28 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Posts: 6858
Post Re: Jokes
Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."


Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:08 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Posts: 6858
Post Re: Jokes
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:10 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'


Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:23 am Profile
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