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 Jokes 
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Wanee Demi-God
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Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
Waneebe wrote:
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
:roll: :roll: :roll:

BAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!!!

Good one!!!! :lol:

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Sat Mar 09, 2013 9:33 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Posts: 6294
Post Re: Jokes
ITALIAN VIRGINITY TEST


Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~

a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue. If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !', ...........you hit her with the Shovel.


Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:30 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
The definition of a virgin in Kentucky.............a girl who can run faster than her brothers.


Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:31 am Profile
Wanee Master
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Post Re: Jokes
No wonder our country is having problems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are our "leaders"

A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.


Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:39 am Profile
Wanee Master

Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:07 pm
Posts: 5747
Location: Marianna, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
saw this one on Youtube while listening to this...

Mom...."What are you listening to?
Me...."T Rex, Get it on, Bang a gong."
She...."Would you turn that s#%t down/"
(5 minute later)
Policeman....."So, you say she just fell out the windoW?'
me...."yes"
P'man...."Would you turn that f'ing s#%t down?"
(30 minutes later)
Cellmate...."So what are you in for?"


Tue Mar 12, 2013 11:44 am Profile
Wanee Demi-God
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10683
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
Rivernole wrote:
saw this one on Youtube while listening to this...

Mom...."What are you listening to?
Me...."T Rex, Get it on, Bang a gong."
She...."Would you turn that s#%t down/"
(5 minute later)
Policeman....."So, you say she just fell out the windoW?'
me...."yes"
P'man...."Would you turn that f'ing s#%t down?"
(30 minutes later)
Cellmate...."So what are you in for?"

Good one 'Nole!!! :lol:

_________________
Image ................................................................................... Image
THE "VIPER DANCE" ............... Driving to wanee
Image
THE "MRS. VIPER DANCE"


Tue Mar 12, 2013 5:41 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:52 pm
Posts: 5708
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
NCviper wrote:
Rivernole wrote:
saw this one on Youtube while listening to this...

Mom...."What are you listening to?
Me...."T Rex, Get it on, Bang a gong."
She...."Would you turn that s#%t down/"
(5 minute later)
Policeman....."So, you say she just fell out the windoW?'
me...."yes"
P'man...."Would you turn that f'ing s#%t down?"
(30 minutes later)
Cellmate...."So what are you in for?"

Good one 'Nole!!! :lol:



Indeed! I can relate. And if looks could kill...

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:13 pm Profile
Wanee Master
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Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:52 pm
Posts: 5708
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Re: Jokes
Wrong Answer

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- - silence - -

HUSBAND:
Damn…

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:15 pm Profile
Wanee Demi-God
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am
Posts: 10683
Location: New Bern, NC (Coastal NC)
Post Re: Jokes
BAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!



I have run clean my ipad screen!!!! :lol: :lol:

_________________
Image ................................................................................... Image
THE "VIPER DANCE" ............... Driving to wanee
Image
THE "MRS. VIPER DANCE"


Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:16 pm Profile
Wanee Wizard

Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2011 1:43 pm
Posts: 3915
Post Re: Jokes
Good one TYS!

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Havin' a good time, here today
Watching the sun shine, matinee..


Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:56 pm Profile
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